There are three events that transpired in the past year after learning I was pregnant. Warning: this will be a little sappy, but I blame this on the hormones. Also, some sounds crazy, but I blame this on the fact that I am crazy.
We weren’t trying for long and I knew I was pregnant. I took nine negative pregnancy tests, but I knew I was down with the sickness. By the time it was confirmed, I was 5 weeks along.
After the positive piss at the ob/gyn office (FINALLY!), there are three events that stick out in my mind. My son may ask “what was it like? how did you feel?” questions…and I will tell him these three events:
Event One: Can’t Touch This
I was driving to work one ordinary morning. It was about a month after being diagnosed “pregnant” and it’s really hard to say how it happened. What was growing in my stomach became a baby and instantly needed to protect it. It had feelings, a voice, and it could feel love. Though I was responsible before; quitting smoking, not drinking, etc., I needed to let it know who I was and what I was willing to do. I was suddenly connected in a way that no blog can accurately portray, but I will try to inadequately explain. I’m pretty sure I sound nuts.
I actually turned down the radio thinking that this baby needed to communicate with me and the radio was interference. I put my hand on my stomach and just felt “it”. I wasn’t showing, he was old enough to move, and I wasn’t telling anyone yet, but I knew I needed to tell the baby that I loved it and would do anything to make sure it was safe. I think that it was that car ride that I became a mother.
I wasn’t tingly or feverish, or hearing voices. I just knew that the baby was there and loved me, and I did the best I could to tell it not to worry and I loved him right back. I was pretty sure that it was a boy, and I’m positive he knew who I was and was content.
Event Two: MTV Cribs presents “My Womb”
The dreaded “first trimester screening” was upon me. This is the appointment you’re scared to go to and scared not to go to. Some mothers don’t. I’m one of those people that prefers “the devil you know”…
At the screening they look at the baby’s head and neck to see if there’s any red flags for neurological diseases. The sonogram technician really can’t reveal anything and you have to wait for the results, but you get to see the little peanut move around. And move he did. (The technician, though she wasn’t supposed to say anything, said to place money on the fact that it’s a boy.) At one point during this sonogram the baby waved in a way that was obvious. He was saying: Ladies, this is my crib. This is where I eat, sleep, and poop. Now get that wand outta my house!
I was so scared going in to that appointment, but something about his actions on the sonogram screen assured me that all would be fine. A reverse of what happened to me in the car, this time he comforted me.
Event Three: My Absolute Favorite
They brought him to me early in the morning on my second night in the hospital. I think it was around 2am. He was all wrapped up in his Halo sack, like a blue pea pod. I was breastfeeding and it was time for him to eat again.
He was just a little bit awake. Awake enough to eat a little bit before he drifted off again. While he was eating I looked out the window and the slowest falling snowflakes I’d ever seen. Light, fluffy, and perfect snow. Movie set snow. With the baby, my husband passed out next to me, and the snow, it was the most peaceful, happy moment I’ve ever taken the time to remember.
Even as I read this back to myself I know this doesn’t accurately tell these stories. There’s no way to verbally exhibit the impact of these three events. But it’s nice to know that one day in the future, after these days are forgotten because I have an unruly toddler, or a surly teenager, that I can read this and have it take me back.
